Confession or something like that

Well, if I was honest and I'm always honest because honesty is what I crave in my life because there is so much BS around me to last me an eternity. Originally I wanted to publish a post about my 'Top list of the hottest men' but reading the book  I ran into the lyrics of the song "Barton Hollow" by the 'The Civil Wars'.

Then I put their name in YT and listened all their songs and found myself in every single song. For the first time in a two years I felt like something in me is whole again. Like the old me from eight years ago.

I felt like I didn't have a worry in my life. Like my heart was whole again, my soul bright and shiny and not black and cynical. In that period I breathed again with full lungs. But like every time, the reality came with a full force and the smile vanished from my face, my soul became black and cynical again, my heart shattered in a million pieces that I'm still struggling to put back together and the ever present emptiness screamed: "Honey, I'm back!".

Everyone around me thinks that I'm still stuck on that SOB and that I didn't get over him. But I did, and I'm not lying to myself. I'm over him but somehow I can't get over the cheating and lying part. I can't get over the fact that someone who I trusted unconditionally, who I gave my heart in safekeeping could betrayed me like that. I have to be honest and confess that for a very short period of time he succeeded to convince me that I'm the one who is to blame for all that went south between us. I believed in his sad Oscar worthy tears and lies when something inside me screamed that it's all faked and a big lie. But I ignored me again and believed in him. That's what I can't get over with.

I'm scared to put my trust in someone else. To put myself back there and allow someone else to hurt me maybe even more again. I know, that is a right thing to do. You need to keep going and live your life to the fullest. Breathe freely and everything else that they say is normal. But how? I wish that there is someone who could answer me.  I only got "It will be better.", and "Life goes on." and to honest I'm sick of hearing it over and over again. Like I don't know that life goes on... I mean, I'm still breathing and everything.

What hurts the most is that my friends (at least I thought they were that) turned their back on me and believed every single lie that he told about me and off course they put some of their's in the pot just to say something. Because they would be so uncool if they didn't badmouthed me behind my back.

I'm happy that I have short list of people who stayed by my side and were a shoulder to cry on and listened while I vent my anger and hurt. Today I can say that I learned my lessons very well. That I know what I want in my life, don't want and what has no place in it and no ifs, buts, or ands about it. Like every single woman out there I have a mental picture about my Mr. Right. Mine is: taller than me (I'm 5'7"), good sense of humor (I need someone who could make me laugh when I'm sad or crying), good kisser, he needs to love sport (don't care which one, but if it's NFL, NHL or NBA (it doesn't need to be this leagues) it's a huge plus. And he NEED to be honest and faithful.

If we talk about look then he need to have dark hair, blue, green or grey eyes. I'm a big sucker for strong hands, military buzz haircuts (don't get me start on that ;) ) and athletic fellas. And don't judge! :P We all have that kind of list. Even you (not pointing fingers) who say that you don't. But be honest, and admit that you do. Come on, you know you want to.

I want to meet new people all around the world. So don't be strangers. I'm a good friend (little self promotion and all that) and I'm funny and a good shoulder to lean on and cry, talk, laugh and have a good time. I'm not always in this funky mode from the beginning of this post. Like everybody I have my moments of ups and downs.

Until next time, I'm leaving you with a collage of pictures that are on my "drool worthy" side of the inspirational board ;)

How stupid can you be?!?!?!

I have a huge tolerance for stupidity (something that kept me in a 7 year relationship, to my regret) but when I saw this a couple a weeks ago my huge tolerance disappeared in nanosecond.

This is a meat product that I love since I was a toddler. It's a  "čajna pašteta" or "Tea Pate" produced by a Croatian company. It's packaged in a plastic case. What made me see red a couple weeks ago is this white label on package of this product. It's a warning for consumers that in translation from Croatian to English means: "Casing is not edible". And than my mom informed me ( she works in a big Croatian supermarket chain store as a head of department where you can buy meat products such as hams, salami, dry salami, etc. in one piece or sliced ) that they put that same label on salamis that are put in sale in one piece.

How stupid you have to be to go and eat a plastic case in which this Pate or salami or ham is packaged?!? What give them an idea that a plastic was edible just because their favorite salami or ham or in my case this Tea Pate was packaged?  I really want to find out those people for whom this warning labels was placed in the first place.

Is it just me or is there anyone else who thinks that we as humans become increasingly dumber and dumber with every passing year? What is going to be next that is going to get this lovely label with warning that that product is not edible or is harmful in some kind of way?

I hope that this is a unique case and that is going to stop with this. Because if it's not, than I'm afraid for a humanity and society that we know.

A year and so ago I found this picture on Pinterest and it made me laugh but today it make me think about it.

I'm not judgmental person. I know that not everybody is scary smart and that not everybody has a superior intelligence. But to know that plastic wrapper or case isn't edible is a common sense and it doesn't require high IQ. I don't think about myself as a superior person because I have high above-average intelligence but I'm worried about future if we need this kinds of warnings in 2015. I certainly don't think that people should be killed because they are not smart enough by someone else's standards, criteria or opinions because we all have something to contribute to our future and future of the next generations. But I'm worried what kind of future the next generations would have if this is our future.

I hope that all this had any sense for you, people that read my humble blog ( and let me just thank you for that ). And if you ever come to Croatia buy this Tea Pate by company named "Sljeme", because it is so good with a toast and tea or coffee if you drink that. And a disclaimer for future references; I wasn't paid or sponsored by this company for writing this blog post. I just needed to write about this and get it outta my system so that maybe I could go to sleep ( it is 5:54 am June, 21st right now as I write this post ) because this was running through my mind.

Please let me know what you think about my blog or this post or anything else. I value everyone else's opinions and if I offended someone I apologize. This is just my opinions and we as a humans do have rights to have our own opinions and they don't have to be like everyone else's. And you don't have to like them but you do have to respect my right to say what I think just like everyone else have that same right. 

OK, it's time for me to go to sleep =) Good night or good morning to all of you, Oh, and happy first day of Summer.

Love,

XOXO,

A

Rambling VOL. 1 =)

For today I have two topics so I'm going to jump into them right away. Let's start... :)

• Love & Relationships

"You know my role model is Charlie Sheen and his role in 'Two and a half men' is what inspire me in my life."- said a guy that I met recently when I asked him what TV show is his favorite. WOW!!!! And what is sad in that whole story is that he is not the only one that gave me that answer. Of course not in the same wording. Because if the wording were the same I would sat on the floor and started to laugh and cry in the same time. 

If that is a reality than I can kiss my future as a wife and a mother goodbye and start to adopt bunnies. The only thing that fellas want to talk about is sex and how fast can they get in my panties. Am I meeting the wrong population in my country or are the normal guys that you can talk about anything (for e.g. in my case; music, games, books, sports - NHL, NFL, swimming, handball, basketball, movies, TV shows, etc.) in relationships or gay?

I just want to meet a man who is good, hones, taller than me (I'm 5'7"), who has good sense of humor and can make me laugh. A guy that can make me feel safe and can make me cry but in a good way. And a man who doesn't cheat. I had enough of that kind in my life to last me for a couple of lives. 

Is that too much or impossible to find? Does that man even exist anymore? Or is it easier to find unicorn, Loch Ness monster and bigfoot in the same time and place?

• Work

What work?! OMG, don't even let me start on this topic. I'm tired of all the job interviews that I've been to. Sometimes I wonder why are they even put job ads when they already know whose going to get a job. 

They tell you that they are going to call you and that you can count on that and then starts radio silence. Or you don't have enough job experience in that field or in general. How in the Gods name are you gonna get that experience when you can't get a job in the first place?!?!? 

In my case, I have 8 months of that experience but most of the job positions require one or more years in that field. In Croatia there is something that is called "Professional training without employment". That is for young people who finished high school or college and doesn't have work experience or have less than a year. In nutshell is internship after which you end up jobless in most cases but you have that year of experience. For me this option in not possible because I have that 8 months and for me to complete my internship program I need to work for 4 months. For our Employment Bureau that is useless waste of their time and money. Because nobody apparently wants to hire someone for four months. So I'm in a limbo where I can't apply for most of job ads and I can't apply for this "Professional training without employment". And that is so frustrating  that I can't even describe it. I want to work in field that I got my high school diploma in and there is a lost of job ads for that field but nobody wants to hire you if you don't have experience. 

Well, I rambled enough for today (OK, I can talk about these two topics for hours and hours but I wont). 

Love,

XOXO,

A

SYOTOS, baby girl...

Wow...

I still can't believe that is been a year since you are no longer with us. Today is your 26th birthday and first anniversary of your death. Somehow you turned this day to something that I don't know how to describe. 

Can I still say "Happy B-day, baby girl!"?

If things were different today you would be surrounded with your friends, family and your baby girl who would be 9 months old. I found out from your dad that your baby was a girl and I'm sad that you died not knowing that. We would go to our favorite coffee shop and order two Nescafe with chocolate and two big slices of cheesecake with strawberries. My present would left you speechless like always. But instead I woke up this morning, dressed and after buying flowers - cream roses; your favorite, with one pink for your princess - visit your grave where you and your angel are sleeping. You know how much I hate funerals and cemeteries.

The news that you died left me speechless and broken. When I got that call I thought it was party invitation but we all got a two sentences: "Ida died this morning. Her mother found her.". I didn't want to admit to myself that you are gone. I got your letter for me two days after your funeral but I read it two months after. In one hand I understand why you did what you did but on the other hand I'm still angry at you. Why would 25 year old girl with a baby on the way killed herself because of one douche who doesn't deserve to walk, talk and breathe. 

You were there for me two months before when the other douche broke me and my heart and you told me that nothing is worth taking your life over some SOB. And then just two months later you did just that. You took your life and left us to live without you and your infectious laughter. Your mom was in hospital for nine months and she still doesn't speak. The only thing that she said to me when I visited her for the first time was: "I found my baby again and I lost her again.". I didn't know what to say to her after that. What can you say to a woman who in one day lost her only daughter, her only child and her only grandchild by finding her in a bathtub.

Why didn't you call me?!?! Why didn't you listen to your own advice that you given me?

I miss you every single day and I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life because you were the only one who really knew me.

I blamed myself for a long time and sometimes I still do. Even when everyone says that it's not my fault. I introduced you to that SOB and in the end he was and is the reason why I no longer have my friend with me, why your mom doesn't talk and why your dad is a different man than he was. He doesn't smile anymore and he always carries that silly book of yours with him.

I know that one day I will see you on the other side and we will drink that Nescafe with chocolate and eat all the cheesecakes in the world. We will laugh until everything hurts and tears are running down our face. You'll know what I think even before I speak and I'll know that when your eyes got all sparkly trouble is behind the corner.

Until then I'm going to carry the memory of you with me wherever I go and whatever I do.

Love you forever baby girl and your princess too.

Note: I dedicate this post to all those who have lost someone due to suicide. I have you all and your loved ones in my prayers. I hope that one day all wounds would be healed and you will find peace and happiness. I also hope that they found peace wherever they went after this life. 

XOXO,

Anna

My Alphabet...

I think that every person on this planet if you ask have his/hers alphabet. That every letter in it reminds him/her of something that begins with that letter.

This is my alphabet, my reminders and my belief...

A Ambitious - something that (by mine opinion) everyone should have as their personal characteristics. To want be better version of ourselves. To finish school, to find job, to learn new languages, skills, to upgrade ourselves, etc.

B Bunny - my baby. I love her so much. She's my zen when I'm a mess. Always surprise me with something new that I learn about her. Her name is Lina and I can't imagine a day without her in it.

C Chocolate / Cookies / Cakes - I'm complete addict to this yummy trio. OMG!!! No words. :)

D Dog - a pet that I want to have for a long time. One day when I'll live in my own home (hope soon) I'm going to make this wish come true. Only problem is that I can't decide whether it will be a Siberian Husky or Alaskan Malamute. For now it's 60:40 for Malamute.

(Siberian Husky - Alaskan Malamute)

E Earth - Home. The most beautiful planet in whole galaxy (for me). 

F Faith - Something that keeps me going when goings get hard. If I didn't have faith that tomorrow will be a better day I would lose it a long time ago.

G G - First letter of my moms name. I know she should be with the letter M, but my mom is special entity and she should have a letter dedicated just for her. She is someone who was always there for me. Every time that I was sick, sad or happy she was there. My shoulder to cry on. My safe harbor, my rock and my biggest cheerleader. She was the first person that I saw when I woke up in ICU. Her hug was what woke me up. When my world crumbled beneath my feet she was the only person beside my sisters who hold me up and didn't let me fall apart. She is my best friend and I love her so much. And I could go on and on about her...

H Home - of my own. Something that I dream about for a long time. / Handball - love that will never be replaced. 

I Ice Cream - Come on! Show me who doesn't love Ice cream. Chocolate, strawberry, caramel, pistachio, tiramisu, dark dark chocolate, coconut, etc. I can go on like this for days. I'm NOT fan of vanilla. 

J Job - something that I desperately need but in economy like this in my country is hard to find. Like I'm searching for a unicorn.

K Kids - something that I want in my life. I love them and enjoy being surrounded with them. I'm little afraid that it's going to be tough path for me to have kids because I had two operations on my both ovaries (first on my left, than five years later on my right) where they needed to remove tumors. But I have faith that one day I'm gonna be a mom to two beautiful children. 

L Love - is something that for a while I lost complete faith in. But as time past I realized that it wasn't loves fault that people cheat and lie. I always believed in love and I always will. Somewhere in this chaotic world there's a love that I'm searching for and I have faith that I'm gonna find it.

(the translation on the left picture, a sticker that I carry in my wallet for 15 years, is: "So what if I believe in love")

M Music - Country, R'n'B, techno, house, little rap, little pop, little rock, some jazz and blues. Music is food for my soul. I always have to listen music when I leave house, or if I'm studying, or just relaxing, and sometimes even when I'm sleeping. / M - my youngest sister. She was born two days before my 5th birthday so she ruined my party because my mom was in the hospital with her. She is me and a little better version of me in some things. I'm very proud sister.

                                                                 

N N - my two year younger sister. Nobody calls her by her given name because she doesn't want that. So we all call her a shorter version of her name. She's complete opposite of me. She's always there for me just like lil' M and I love them both to the moon and back.

O Ocean - Big blue perfection. I have on my bucket list a wish to dip my toes in three of five oceans. (I really want to meet a person who want to dip toes in Arctic and Southern Ocean.)

P Puzzle - something that I can do all day every day. That exciting feeling to complete the picture is my drug of choice. When I was a kid I could  put them together with picture on the other side.

Q Quotes - funny, hilarious, sad, inspirational, life, love, friendly, etc. We can find ourselves in quotes. They can motivate us to be better person, to want more, to grieve easier, to show our love and emotions by someone else's expressions. 

R Reading - one of my favorite ways of relaxation and escape from stress. Good book, good music, candle, favorite tea, cookie of chocolate (or both ;) ) and let R&R begin. Everywhere that I go I always have a book in my bag for 'just in case'. 

S Summer - time when I'm in my own element and everything is perfect. / San Jose - city that my heart calls home even when I've never been there. But every time I look at pictures of that city I feel peace. Hope that one day I would call it a home. My dream to move to USA is something that I wanted since I was a kid and with every day that hope and wish just grows.

T Travel - Love it, crave it, want it :)  / Truth - only thing that I want from people around me and in my life. Truth, honesty and faithfulness is three things that I need to be who I am. To give myself to others. Lie, dishonesty and infidelity are three things that I can't and won't forget of forgive.

U Unconditional - love. The best kind of love. It's something that we all seek, wish for and dream of. 

V Vacation - something that I really need from time to time. Not just from work but from people, stress and a lots of other things :)

W Why? - Question that I ask myself a million times a day.

X Xmas - my favorite holiday. I know, I know it's Christmas, but I have so much under letter C, and since Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday it deserves his own spot. I just wish that Christmas is in summer here in Croatia and not in the winter when it's cold and yuck. Cookies, a sense of peace and belonging, happiness and presents. I know, I know that Christmas isn't about presents but I love giving them and if I get something in return I'm not going to refuse ;). 

If you ask me this is a perfect Xmas. Just add friends, family and lots of cookies. 

Y Yogurt - greek, with fruit, with chocolate or cacao, regular or with muesli. Yogurt is my salvation. There's a story about me and yogurt. When I was two my dad took me on vacation to our house on Adriatic coast (it was summer) and my mom couldn't come with us that day, but she came a week later. She came with a travel bag full of fruit yogurt because that was only thing that I would eat. Even today I could only eat and drink yogurt and be happy. (of course chocolate, cookies and cakes are in the deal)

Z Zagreb - I was born and raised in this town that I live. This city is combination of really old and new. This city have his secrets and his special kind of magic. / Zadar - I spent so many summers in this town where a family from my fathers side live. Zadar is famous for his breathtaking sunsets, historic sites and a world known Sea Organ. (The picture on the top is my hometown Zagreb, a main square at night. The bottom picture is Zadar by day. And a little video of Sea Organ and a music that crates with waves.)

New year in front of me =)

Yea, I know that the famous New Year's day was four months ago (and 18 days :P) but for me a new year begins with my B-day. Today I'm turning 26 and I'm feeling good about it. So today is my new years day.

I'm not making any new years resolutions bcs that is just stupid and useless. Why, you may ask. Well, as far as I know nobody follow thru with that BS. We all at some point take a pen and a piece of paper and put some goals, wishes and what not on that paper and stick with what was written for about a month or two. For those who stick with their list of resolutions and follow thru till the end I applaud. But for the rest of us who don't I have a piece of advice that I recently got .

'Make it simple and one day at a time.'

Who gave it to me will be my little secret because some things should stay private. Couple of years back I made a whole bunch of resolutions on New Year's Eve and decided that that year I'm gonna follow thru but I didn't and in the end end up disappointed with myself. So I changed the game and so far I'm happy with the new game. Every year since than on my B-day I make a couple of decisions (5-7 max) and follow thru them one day at a time and I don't put a pressure on myself . I'm happier and in the end (that's a day before my next birthday) I sit down and go thru everything that I did or didn't do and if I accomplished even one of my decisions I'm happy and proud of myself.

So this year I'm going to share three of my five decisions with you.

1. Write every day for a whole year in a diary - doesn't need to be a novel every day, just a quick hello or a quote that make my day...
2. Try to trust in people more 
3. Expand my safe zone, learn something new and let new people in

I even put some projects that I'm going to do in this new year. I'm ready to live again without fear of something new and I'm going to let new people in my life. I know that this last thing is going to be really tough on me because I was burned too many times in last two years but I'm letting past to stay just that - past -  and look forward into the future. I'm going to try to be a better person, better version of me and find my place in this big world. Last year I was a mess, empty and broken shell of a very happy girl and I thought that nothing is important any more. But boy was I wrong. Today, a year later, I'm a whole again. Happy and the most important, I'm me again.

So Happy Birthday to me and let the party begin. I'm going to stuff my face in my birthday cake (funny for a chocolate addict my B-day cake is a strawberry cake)

 and spend some time with my family, friends and definitely some me time.

Oh, and happy belated (by two days) B-day to my little M. I'm so happy that you ruined my 5th birthday. I'm so happy to have you for my little sister. Love you, sis.

P.S. Happy B-day to anyone who has birthday on May 19th.

P.P.S. I would be really happy if you guys could leave a comment if you like what I'm doing or if you have some suggestions or even just to say hello. And I really would like to know how you spend your B-day and what is your favorite B-day cake. 

If you want to contact me you can do that via my facebook or twitter page. 

Thank you for reading this.

Love ya,

Anna

XOXOXO

Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a modern celebration honoring one's own mother, as well as motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers in this world. I'm not a mother in true sense of the word but I have a beautiful baby that I love the most in the world. She's a bunny. Her name is Lina and she has my whole heart in her little paw. But this is not about me, it's about my mom.

On May 19th, 1989 at 05:30 am my beautiful mom got the most perfect bundle wrapped in pink, me. At that time she didn't know that she also got a stubborn, independent, mischief prone, sarcastic but also good, funny and cuddly daughter.

My mom was always in my life. She always listen to what I have to say. And she always wanted to know what is going on in my life. She still does. I know that she will always got her arms open for me to cry on her shoulder or she will listen when I need to rant about something or someone.

As a kid I was always sick. Because of my throat I was 80% of my childhood on some kind of antibiotics. Of us three I was the one who went the most to doctors and she always went with me without complaining (and I know a couple of friends whose mothers complained when there kids was sick).

When I was 16 and half I got very bad appendicitis and I ended up in ER at 04:30 pm but they admit me at 10:40 pm. That whole time my mom was with me and hold my hand. She tried to reassure me that everything will be OK and that I have nothing to worry about. She was with me until they decided that I need (before that they wanted to wait for the morning to see how things would go) emergency operation.

After that I had a three more surgeries and with everyone of them my mom was there for me. With my last surgery something went wrong and I ended in ICU for 24 hour observation. Most of that time I don't remember but a nurse told me what was going on around me. What I remember is hearing my mom's voice in the distance and then a hug that woke me (they told me that they were very concern because I didn't woke up like they expected).

In these almost 26 years that I'm my mothers daughter I learn so much from her. I never felt unwonted or not loved. I never felt neglected and I always knew that my mom would be there for me when I need her (sometimes even when I just wanted to be alone).

In these world there are women that desperately want to become mothers but for some reason they can't and there's also the ones that have kids but neglected them or harm them. I don't know how a mother can do anything harmful to their children.

I hope that one day I will be a mother but until then I have my baby to look after and took care of.

Happy Mother's Day, mom! I love you till the moon and back.

M-O-T-H-E-R
“M” is for the million things she gave me,
“O” means only that she’s growing old,
“T” is for the tears she shed to save me,
“H” is for her heart of purest gold;
“E” is for her eyes, with love-light shining,
“R” means right, and right she’ll always be,
Put them all together, they spell “MOTHER,”
A word that means the world to me.