Wow...
I still can't believe that is been a year since you are no longer with us. Today is your 26th birthday and first anniversary of your death. Somehow you turned this day to something that I don't know how to describe.
Can I still say "Happy B-day, baby girl!"?
If things were different today you would be surrounded with your friends, family and your baby girl who would be 9 months old. I found out from your dad that your baby was a girl and I'm sad that you died not knowing that. We would go to our favorite coffee shop and order two Nescafe with chocolate and two big slices of cheesecake with strawberries. My present would left you speechless like always. But instead I woke up this morning, dressed and after buying flowers - cream roses; your favorite, with one pink for your princess - visit your grave where you and your angel are sleeping. You know how much I hate funerals and cemeteries.
The news that you died left me speechless and broken. When I got that call I thought it was party invitation but we all got a two sentences: "Ida died this morning. Her mother found her.". I didn't want to admit to myself that you are gone. I got your letter for me two days after your funeral but I read it two months after. In one hand I understand why you did what you did but on the other hand I'm still angry at you. Why would 25 year old girl with a baby on the way killed herself because of one douche who doesn't deserve to walk, talk and breathe.
You were there for me two months before when the other douche broke me and my heart and you told me that nothing is worth taking your life over some SOB. And then just two months later you did just that. You took your life and left us to live without you and your infectious laughter. Your mom was in hospital for nine months and she still doesn't speak. The only thing that she said to me when I visited her for the first time was: "I found my baby again and I lost her again.". I didn't know what to say to her after that. What can you say to a woman who in one day lost her only daughter, her only child and her only grandchild by finding her in a bathtub.
Why didn't you call me?!?! Why didn't you listen to your own advice that you given me?
I miss you every single day and I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life because you were the only one who really knew me.
I blamed myself for a long time and sometimes I still do. Even when everyone says that it's not my fault. I introduced you to that SOB and in the end he was and is the reason why I no longer have my friend with me, why your mom doesn't talk and why your dad is a different man than he was. He doesn't smile anymore and he always carries that silly book of yours with him.
I know that one day I will see you on the other side and we will drink that Nescafe with chocolate and eat all the cheesecakes in the world. We will laugh until everything hurts and tears are running down our face. You'll know what I think even before I speak and I'll know that when your eyes got all sparkly trouble is behind the corner.
Until then I'm going to carry the memory of you with me wherever I go and whatever I do.
Love you forever baby girl and your princess too.
Note: I dedicate this post to all those who have lost someone due to suicide. I have you all and your loved ones in my prayers. I hope that one day all wounds would be healed and you will find peace and happiness. I also hope that they found peace wherever they went after this life.
XOXO,
Anna
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