Then I put their name in YT and listened all their songs and found myself in every single song. For the first time in a two years I felt like something in me is whole again. Like the old me from eight years ago.
I felt like I didn't have a worry in my life. Like my heart was whole again, my soul bright and shiny and not black and cynical. In that period I breathed again with full lungs. But like every time, the reality came with a full force and the smile vanished from my face, my soul became black and cynical again, my heart shattered in a million pieces that I'm still struggling to put back together and the ever present emptiness screamed: "Honey, I'm back!".
Everyone around me thinks that I'm still stuck on that SOB and that I didn't get over him. But I did, and I'm not lying to myself. I'm over him but somehow I can't get over the cheating and lying part. I can't get over the fact that someone who I trusted unconditionally, who I gave my heart in safekeeping could betrayed me like that. I have to be honest and confess that for a very short period of time he succeeded to convince me that I'm the one who is to blame for all that went south between us. I believed in his sad Oscar worthy tears and lies when something inside me screamed that it's all faked and a big lie. But I ignored me again and believed in him. That's what I can't get over with.
I'm scared to put my trust in someone else. To put myself back there and allow someone else to hurt me maybe even more again. I know, that is a right thing to do. You need to keep going and live your life to the fullest. Breathe freely and everything else that they say is normal. But how? I wish that there is someone who could answer me. I only got "It will be better.", and "Life goes on." and to honest I'm sick of hearing it over and over again. Like I don't know that life goes on... I mean, I'm still breathing and everything.
What hurts the most is that my friends (at least I thought they were that) turned their back on me and believed every single lie that he told about me and off course they put some of their's in the pot just to say something. Because they would be so uncool if they didn't badmouthed me behind my back.
I'm happy that I have short list of people who stayed by my side and were a shoulder to cry on and listened while I vent my anger and hurt. Today I can say that I learned my lessons very well. That I know what I want in my life, don't want and what has no place in it and no ifs, buts, or ands about it. Like every single woman out there I have a mental picture about my Mr. Right. Mine is: taller than me (I'm 5'7"), good sense of humor (I need someone who could make me laugh when I'm sad or crying), good kisser, he needs to love sport (don't care which one, but if it's NFL, NHL or NBA (it doesn't need to be this leagues) it's a huge plus. And he NEED to be honest and faithful.
If we talk about look then he need to have dark hair, blue, green or grey eyes. I'm a big sucker for strong hands, military buzz haircuts (don't get me start on that ;) ) and athletic fellas. And don't judge! :P We all have that kind of list. Even you (not pointing fingers) who say that you don't. But be honest, and admit that you do. Come on, you know you want to.
I want to meet new people all around the world. So don't be strangers. I'm a good friend (little self promotion and all that) and I'm funny and a good shoulder to lean on and cry, talk, laugh and have a good time. I'm not always in this funky mode from the beginning of this post. Like everybody I have my moments of ups and downs.
Until next time, I'm leaving you with a collage of pictures that are on my "drool worthy" side of the inspirational board ;)
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