dream...

Last night I had a dream that I dreamed a few months ago. It was exactly the same dream. That never happened to me before. The first time I dreamed this dream I was so shocked and spooked that I had trouble to go to sleep because I was really scared that I would maybe dream it again or something even worse.

Usually I don't believe in dreams and it's a rare occasion when I even remember what I dreamed that night. After the breakup with my ex I had nightmares every single night for three months and occasionally for another three months. For the first three months I woke up screaming, in tears and what was worst for me; I would woke my family with my screams.

When even my occasional nightmares were over I was so happy and I couldn't believe that they were finally gone. But... I should have known that something would happen that would trigger everything all over again.

It was February, I was nightmare free for two months and than that dream happened and took me down again.

Let me tell you my dream...

"It was my B-day and my family and me plus my uncle and aunt were going to a restaurant for my B-day lunch. I was happy, really happy. So we got to the entrance to the restaurant and a guy in front (that restaurant doesn't have anybody who works in front of and scans people who enter and exit) stop us. He ask for ours IDs and after he returns them says that only I can enter and then rushes me in and a waiter leads me to my table. I'm confused and little bit angry because I had a reservations for a lunch with my family and they couldn't even come in. As we stop at my table there are five people (that are my family and a friend) who already sit there with smiles on their faces."

What's a big deal you would ask? Well, every one of them are deceased. My friend and aunt died last year, my cousin three and half years ago, my great aunt four years ago and my nanny who was like a grandmother to me twelve years ago. My aunt and nanny from a ovarian and uterus cancer, my cousin from breast cancer, my great aunt from some virus that she got in retirement home where she lived (that's official cause, but I have my reasons to suspect some foul play) and my friend... she took her own life. But, let me get back to my dream...

"I sat with them and look every single one of them in the eyes. I was so confused and I didn't understand what's going on. I was happy to see them because they were all gone but I didn't understand why were they here with me in these restaurant and why my living family couldn't be with me. The five of them talked with each other but not with me. They would smile in my way and continue to talk among themselves. When the waiter brought my birthday cake my cousin who sat right beside me looked at me with a smile and said: "Enjoy more while you can, because you will not much longer." And they all smiled at me, told me they loved me and not to be scared. And my friend who sat at my other side whispered in my ear: "It doesn't hurt, so don't be scared.""

In that moment I woke up with a jolt and realized that my whole PJ's were wet from the sweat and I was shaking so hard. That whole day I was out of my zone and element. I had a really tough time to concentrate on anything. Once or twice my mom asked me if I was on drugs or something. I told her about my dream and she told me not to worry because it was just a dream. That dream triggered a month worth of nightmares until I talked with my friend who told me that that dream doesn't have to be anything bad and that it probably is something positive. But for the life of me I couldn't understand what it is.

Were they talking about my fear of falling in love again and letting someone new in my life. Of trusting again. I really wanted to know. But my nightmares were gone after a month and after that I couldn't remember my dreams until this morning when I woke up again with a jolt and a memory of the same dream from February. But this time I'm not scared of confused. I'm OK with whatever that dream means if anything. I'm OK with whatever life throws at me.

Did you ever had that kind of dreams? The ones that stick to you and left you confused and scared?
If you did, what did you do? Could you let me know what that dream was and how did you deal with it?

Until the next post from me, lots of love from Zagreb where it's 34 (93- if you are on fahrenheit) degrees and sunny. Just like I like it.

XOXO

Anna