dream...

Last night I had a dream that I dreamed a few months ago. It was exactly the same dream. That never happened to me before. The first time I dreamed this dream I was so shocked and spooked that I had trouble to go to sleep because I was really scared that I would maybe dream it again or something even worse.

Usually I don't believe in dreams and it's a rare occasion when I even remember what I dreamed that night. After the breakup with my ex I had nightmares every single night for three months and occasionally for another three months. For the first three months I woke up screaming, in tears and what was worst for me; I would woke my family with my screams.

When even my occasional nightmares were over I was so happy and I couldn't believe that they were finally gone. But... I should have known that something would happen that would trigger everything all over again.

It was February, I was nightmare free for two months and than that dream happened and took me down again.

Let me tell you my dream...

"It was my B-day and my family and me plus my uncle and aunt were going to a restaurant for my B-day lunch. I was happy, really happy. So we got to the entrance to the restaurant and a guy in front (that restaurant doesn't have anybody who works in front of and scans people who enter and exit) stop us. He ask for ours IDs and after he returns them says that only I can enter and then rushes me in and a waiter leads me to my table. I'm confused and little bit angry because I had a reservations for a lunch with my family and they couldn't even come in. As we stop at my table there are five people (that are my family and a friend) who already sit there with smiles on their faces."

What's a big deal you would ask? Well, every one of them are deceased. My friend and aunt died last year, my cousin three and half years ago, my great aunt four years ago and my nanny who was like a grandmother to me twelve years ago. My aunt and nanny from a ovarian and uterus cancer, my cousin from breast cancer, my great aunt from some virus that she got in retirement home where she lived (that's official cause, but I have my reasons to suspect some foul play) and my friend... she took her own life. But, let me get back to my dream...

"I sat with them and look every single one of them in the eyes. I was so confused and I didn't understand what's going on. I was happy to see them because they were all gone but I didn't understand why were they here with me in these restaurant and why my living family couldn't be with me. The five of them talked with each other but not with me. They would smile in my way and continue to talk among themselves. When the waiter brought my birthday cake my cousin who sat right beside me looked at me with a smile and said: "Enjoy more while you can, because you will not much longer." And they all smiled at me, told me they loved me and not to be scared. And my friend who sat at my other side whispered in my ear: "It doesn't hurt, so don't be scared.""

In that moment I woke up with a jolt and realized that my whole PJ's were wet from the sweat and I was shaking so hard. That whole day I was out of my zone and element. I had a really tough time to concentrate on anything. Once or twice my mom asked me if I was on drugs or something. I told her about my dream and she told me not to worry because it was just a dream. That dream triggered a month worth of nightmares until I talked with my friend who told me that that dream doesn't have to be anything bad and that it probably is something positive. But for the life of me I couldn't understand what it is.

Were they talking about my fear of falling in love again and letting someone new in my life. Of trusting again. I really wanted to know. But my nightmares were gone after a month and after that I couldn't remember my dreams until this morning when I woke up again with a jolt and a memory of the same dream from February. But this time I'm not scared of confused. I'm OK with whatever that dream means if anything. I'm OK with whatever life throws at me.

Did you ever had that kind of dreams? The ones that stick to you and left you confused and scared?
If you did, what did you do? Could you let me know what that dream was and how did you deal with it?

Until the next post from me, lots of love from Zagreb where it's 34 (93- if you are on fahrenheit) degrees and sunny. Just like I like it.

XOXO

Anna

letter to a boy who search for his girl

Zagreb, July 5th, 2015

Hello boy who search for his girl,

you don't know me, we never met. I don't know you but I read your columns so I kinda know what you want to say. You probably won't even read this post/letter that I wrote to you but that's OK. I just wanted to say something to you that I think you should know. And if I'm jumping from one end to another that's just how my brain work in his mysterious way.

In your columns you described you perfect girl, you know 'The One' girl. And I don't want to sound cocky and presumptuous but sweet baby Jesus I'm all of that. But than you wrote about girl that you wrote your columns to, who if I got it right is your 'The One' but she lives far away and etc. That got me confused. Is that girl real? And if she is and she is that One that you search for, than why aren't you with her? Yeah, distance is a bitch and all that but if you love someone and you know that he or she is that one that you want for the rest of your life than distance is not the problem in the story. I would move heaven and earth to be with the one that I love and with who I want to grow old with. I would give anything to even find him. 

I would love to write about one time in my life that I thought that I have that. A time where I thought I was the luckiest girl in the whole universe because I had met Him and he loved me and he asked me after perfect six years to be his wife and have a family with him. But my fairy tale ended with tears, broken heart, destroyed plans and dreams. I didn't get my happy ever after. Another girl now calls him her husband. The same girl that was in relationship with another man while she got all lovey dovey with my fiance. But that's my story, my lessons to learn from and my history. And it's a seven years long story, so let's leave it at that. So if that girl that you wrote your columns to is your 'The One', go after her and don't let go. Fight for what you want if it's her that you want.

You wrote how the girl that you are looking for is hard to find. Sometimes it's like you think like she doesn't even exists. And sometimes I thought that you don't even know what you want. Or maybe you do know but you just don't know if you want her or stay single and enjoy the freedom.
In one of your first columns you wrote how girls don't want or don't see a guys like you. A guys that are honest, good, respectful, kind, who treats his girl right, etc. How we only see guys that are douchebags. But I have to tell you that we see them (the D ones) and we see you but you don't see the girls that see you and not them because you only see girls that see the other ones. If you get what I wanted to say. OK, what was that? How many see can you put in one sentence? Jeez, girl.

Since I know that this is going to be a long one, and I want to get my point clear I would like to tell you a story. Couple months ago I was in town and I ran into a friend from elementary school that I haven't seen since we went to a different high school. We sat on the terrace of one of the many coffee bars around square and began to talk about everything that happened in our lives since we last met. I told her my "adventures", and she admitted that there was a guy that we both knew who liked me but he told her that he can't put me into a certain category and that because of that he wouldn't asked me out on a date. Now let me tell you something about me.

I'm a girl that is single (and loving it) but is looking for her 'The One' guy. I'm a girl who knows what she want and what she doesn't want. I have my own opinions and when I don't agree with something you will know it and you can be sure of that. Just as you can be sure that the sky is blue and grass is green. I fight for what I know is worth fighting for and I don't back down until I realize it's a lost cause and my time is wasted. I love sports (basketball, hockey, football - THE football, not that European comedy but I can watch it if I have to - swimming, water polo, etc.) and I go to the games if I have someone to go with. I'm addicted to music. No, not that crap that everybody listens to in Croatia. I love action films, comedies, horrors, thrillers, dramas, rom-com, etc. you name it I'm game if it's a good move or TV show. I play video games; my fav is Spec. Ops: The Line. But I played NBA 2K13 and 14, Sims, Civ V, etc. 

I can talk for hours about nothing and everything. I'm summer addict and that is my time. Because my parents are from Dalmatia and Herzegovina I LOVE Mediterranean food and food in general. I love sweet and I'm proud chocolate addict. I'm brutally honest and my respect is not easy to earn. I don't trust. I can feel when people are lying to me. I'm a sarcastic and sometimes a cynic person. I have a high (sometimes too high) tolerance for stupidity. But when I'm done, I'm done. No going back, no second chances and no trust return. When I fall, I fall hard. I'm loyal and ready to go to the end of the world and back for the ones that I care for.  I'm stubborn as a bull (that's because I'm a double Taurus - you said that you have four people in your head, well I have two bulls so I win ;) ). I'm down to earth, see as it is type of a girl. And I'd rather be alone than with anyone just to not be alone.

Lets back to the point...

But somehow you and guys like you who say they are looking for a girls like me don't see me or a girls like me. You say that you want a girl like us but when a girl like me is in front of you, you don't see me. You see a girl who want a D-bag because she thinks that he is a Man. That somehow she would be the one who would change him. HA!!! We are in this constant... - I don't even know what to call it. - where we search for something that is right in front of our eyes but we don't see it. 

So if you are looking for a girl that you describe in your columns, she's there. How I know? Well, I'm one of them. If your description has a check boxes and you need to check every box for every girl, than in my case all boxes are checked. But somehow I think that you don't want a girl like me. I think... well, I'm keeping that to myself because I can. 

So dear boy, you need to get yourself together and decide what you want. Do you want to find that girl or you want to talk the talk how you do want to find her but you want to stay single and search the ocean for some more fish that you know is not her? Or did you already found her but she doesn't want you or whatnot? 

I still can't decide would I let you know about this letter or not. But in case that I do let you know, it was nice writing to you. Hope that you'll find her and get your happy ever after if that is what you want. But if it isn't than it would be, in my humble opinion, good to change a topic of your columns. In both cases, I'll continue to read your columns because you make me laugh, and you make me cry while I'm laughing and that is a lots of brownie points.  


P.S. I have a recommendation for a group that you might, hopefully, gonna like. Their name is 'The Civil War' (my two fave songs from them are 'Devil's backbone' and 'The One That Got Away'). 

XOXO

A

4th of July

Well this is gonna be short (extra short) but sweet...

To all readers in USA I want to say: "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!" or "HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!!"

Also, a huge 'Thank You!' to all men and women in the US Air Force, Army, Marine Corps and Navy who are far away from their homes and fighting for freedom and keeping us all safe. And I don't mean just people in America but every single human who lives on this planet and just want a peaceful and safe and secure future. As a non American I am grateful for them. I pray that they come back safely to their families and friends. And before I cry again (and I will if I keep going with this) I'm gonna say once more: "Thank You from the bottom of my heart. You and your families have my gratitude, respect and love. Thank you for what you are doing. For keeping every single one of us safe. For letting us sleep peacefully because we know that somewhere out there someone is keeping us safe."

XOXO,

love,

Me :)

Confession or something like that

Well, if I was honest and I'm always honest because honesty is what I crave in my life because there is so much BS around me to last me an eternity. Originally I wanted to publish a post about my 'Top list of the hottest men' but reading the book  I ran into the lyrics of the song "Barton Hollow" by the 'The Civil Wars'.

Then I put their name in YT and listened all their songs and found myself in every single song. For the first time in a two years I felt like something in me is whole again. Like the old me from eight years ago.

I felt like I didn't have a worry in my life. Like my heart was whole again, my soul bright and shiny and not black and cynical. In that period I breathed again with full lungs. But like every time, the reality came with a full force and the smile vanished from my face, my soul became black and cynical again, my heart shattered in a million pieces that I'm still struggling to put back together and the ever present emptiness screamed: "Honey, I'm back!".

Everyone around me thinks that I'm still stuck on that SOB and that I didn't get over him. But I did, and I'm not lying to myself. I'm over him but somehow I can't get over the cheating and lying part. I can't get over the fact that someone who I trusted unconditionally, who I gave my heart in safekeeping could betrayed me like that. I have to be honest and confess that for a very short period of time he succeeded to convince me that I'm the one who is to blame for all that went south between us. I believed in his sad Oscar worthy tears and lies when something inside me screamed that it's all faked and a big lie. But I ignored me again and believed in him. That's what I can't get over with.

I'm scared to put my trust in someone else. To put myself back there and allow someone else to hurt me maybe even more again. I know, that is a right thing to do. You need to keep going and live your life to the fullest. Breathe freely and everything else that they say is normal. But how? I wish that there is someone who could answer me.  I only got "It will be better.", and "Life goes on." and to honest I'm sick of hearing it over and over again. Like I don't know that life goes on... I mean, I'm still breathing and everything.

What hurts the most is that my friends (at least I thought they were that) turned their back on me and believed every single lie that he told about me and off course they put some of their's in the pot just to say something. Because they would be so uncool if they didn't badmouthed me behind my back.

I'm happy that I have short list of people who stayed by my side and were a shoulder to cry on and listened while I vent my anger and hurt. Today I can say that I learned my lessons very well. That I know what I want in my life, don't want and what has no place in it and no ifs, buts, or ands about it. Like every single woman out there I have a mental picture about my Mr. Right. Mine is: taller than me (I'm 5'7"), good sense of humor (I need someone who could make me laugh when I'm sad or crying), good kisser, he needs to love sport (don't care which one, but if it's NFL, NHL or NBA (it doesn't need to be this leagues) it's a huge plus. And he NEED to be honest and faithful.

If we talk about look then he need to have dark hair, blue, green or grey eyes. I'm a big sucker for strong hands, military buzz haircuts (don't get me start on that ;) ) and athletic fellas. And don't judge! :P We all have that kind of list. Even you (not pointing fingers) who say that you don't. But be honest, and admit that you do. Come on, you know you want to.

I want to meet new people all around the world. So don't be strangers. I'm a good friend (little self promotion and all that) and I'm funny and a good shoulder to lean on and cry, talk, laugh and have a good time. I'm not always in this funky mode from the beginning of this post. Like everybody I have my moments of ups and downs.

Until next time, I'm leaving you with a collage of pictures that are on my "drool worthy" side of the inspirational board ;)