It's been a year since my whole life as I knew it started to change and disappear. Probably it has passed even more time since I started to doubt and put every suspicion under the carpet and tell myself that I'm just imagining things. I believe that every person has that sixth sense and can feel when something isn't how it should be. My sixth sense was always correct. Sometimes to the point when even I asked: "WTF?!?! How?!?!", and been accused by friends for witchcraft ;).
At the time I was engaged and in a relationship for six and half years. He was my first serious boyfriend. Hell, before him I didn't even want to hear words RELATIONSHIP, BOYFRIEND, LOVE, etc. in the same sentence with me. Status of a single girl felt really good to me and I was honestly happy person with bunch of friends and always a new adventure in my way. But then I met that boy of 21 yo (I can't call him man bcs he's still in his childhood mentality) while I was spending my summer vacation in my fathers house on Adriatic coast.
It was summer before my senior year in high school and I've just turned 18 in May. I didn't want boyfriend in my life but I was all in for little summer 'romance'. But somehow my summer 'romance' ended with me in relationship with him. To cut long story short over the years I somehow changed myself for him to the point where in the end I despised the person I've become, lost contact with good majority of my friends (and that's on me not him) and started doubt myself.
In the beginning he denied (and according to rumors, he still denies) that he had something with her. But the sings were there long before the breakup only I ignored them because I chose to believe in him and his honesty and faithfulness more then in myself. When that tiny voice in my head screamed that something is going on I told myself that I'm imagining things and that everything was OK because he would never cheat on me or lie to me. HA!!!!! Was I blind and dumb or what?!?!?!
When I first and last time saw him a month and half after 'THE BREAK' I asked him: "Why did you end us like that?", he just shrugged his shoulders and told me: "I don't know. I still love only you and there is no one else." He couldn't look me in the eyes while he spoke but even if he did I still couldn't and wouldn't believe him and 2 weeks later I found out why. He post a pictures of him w/her wile they were on vacation on coast.
The saddest thing is that I lost faith in myself along with faith in honesty and faithfulness. I went on the road to self-destruction, wished that I wouldn't woke up in the morning. After a while things started to look better but truth about reasons why he did what he did started to come along with a bunch of lies about me, who I am and what I did. That is when my backbone for people around me get new stronger coat and the one for me begin to pick broken peaces and started to put herself together.
From the woman who knew what she wants I became someone who question every single thing a hundred times and more. But slowly I'm starting to be the woman that I want to be. I'm growing back my backbone and flipping the bird to anyone who doesn't like who I am and wants to change me. I'm starting to like and love myself again and I wowed to myself and to God that I'm not going to allow anybody to change who I really am.
Take me as I am, love who I am or hit a road.
Kellie Pickler - Tough
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