Growing back my backbone

It's been a year since my whole life as I knew it started to change and disappear. Probably it has passed even more time since I started to doubt and put every suspicion under the carpet and tell myself that I'm just imagining things. I believe that every person has that sixth sense and can feel when something isn't how it should be. My sixth sense was always correct. Sometimes to the point when even I asked: "WTF?!?! How?!?!", and been accused by friends for witchcraft ;). 

At the time I was engaged and in a relationship for six and half years. He was my first serious boyfriend. Hell, before him I didn't even want to hear words RELATIONSHIP, BOYFRIEND, LOVE, etc. in the same sentence with me. Status of a single girl felt really good to me and I was honestly happy person with bunch of friends and always a new adventure in my way. But then I met that boy of 21 yo (I can't call him man bcs he's still in his childhood mentality) while I was spending my summer vacation in my fathers house on Adriatic coast. 

It was summer before my senior year in high school and I've just turned 18 in May. I didn't want boyfriend in my life but I was all in for little summer 'romance'. But somehow my summer 'romance' ended with me in relationship with him. To cut long story short over the years I somehow changed myself for him to the point where in the end I despised the person I've become, lost contact with good majority of my friends (and that's on me not him) and started doubt myself. 

As a girl/woman I didn't understand women who changed who they are for a man in their lives. But than life slapped me and pointed that I did the same to myself. I changed who I am for someone who in the end didn't like or want the finished product and replaced me for someone new and 2 years younger. I was 24 (he 27) when he ended our relationship/engagement over message on Facebook, three months before our 7th anniversary. 


In the beginning he denied (and according to rumors, he still denies) that he had something with her. But the sings were there long before the breakup only I ignored them because I chose to believe in him and his honesty and faithfulness more then in myself. When that tiny voice in my head screamed that something is going on I told myself that I'm imagining things and that everything was OK because he would never cheat on me or lie to me. HA!!!!! Was I blind and dumb or what?!?!?!


When I first and last time saw him a month and half after 'THE BREAK' I asked him: "Why did you end us like that?",  he just shrugged his shoulders and told me: "I don't know. I still love only you and there is no one else." He couldn't look me in the eyes while he spoke but even if he did I still couldn't and wouldn't believe him and 2 weeks later I found out why. He post a pictures of him w/her wile they were on vacation on coast. 


The saddest thing is that I lost faith in myself along with faith in honesty and faithfulness. I went on the road to self-destruction, wished that I wouldn't woke up in the morning. After a while things started to look better but truth about reasons why he did what he did started to come along with a bunch of lies about me, who I am and what I did. That is when my backbone for people around me get new stronger coat and the one for me begin to pick broken peaces and started to put herself together. 

From the woman who knew what she wants I became someone who question every single thing a hundred times and more. But slowly I'm starting to be the woman that I want to be. I'm growing back my backbone and flipping the bird to anyone who doesn't like who I am and wants to change me. I'm starting to like and love myself again and I wowed to myself and to God that I'm not going to allow anybody to change who I really am.

Take me as I am, love who I am or hit a road. 

Kellie Pickler - Tough

Lažu li sanjari? / Does dreamers often lie?

Romeo: Sanjao sam noćas jedan san.
Mercuzio: I ja.
Romeo: Što si sanjao?
Mercuzio: Da sanjari lažu.
Romeo: Ali dok su sanjali, za njih je to bila istina...

Romeo i Julia, William Shakespeare 

Da li je istina da sanjari lažu? Pa... možda čak i da. Ja sam sanjar. Oduvijek sam bila, a vjerujem da ću i ostati te da me ovaj današnji svijet neće ugasiti. Da se moja tvornica snova gdje pobjegnem kad postane preteško neće ugasiti pod svakodnevnim pritiskom. Možda lažemo, ali lažemo sami sebe. Dovoljno sam realna da samoj sebi priznam kako me moji snovi znaju zanesti pa me neko vrijeme (a to je na sreću ili žalost, kako se uzme, kratko vrijeme) drži ona euforija kako će sve biti super. Kako će se odjednom stvoriti savršen posao baš za mene. Gdje ću s veseljem odlaziti svakog jutra i s osmjehom obavljati svaki zadatak stavljen pred mene. Plaća će biti idealna za uzimanje nekog kredita za stan s kojim ću si priuštiti svoj dom. Koji ću urediti baš onako kako ja želim i koji će biti moja oaza. Sanjam brojna putovanja. Obožavam putovati. No moja ljubav prema putovanjima u mojim sanjarenjima dobiva beskonačnu potenciju. A onda me iz sanjarenja probudi još jedna odbijenica za posao. Savršen dom iz snova ostaje moja soba u stanu mojih roditelja, a putovanja ostaju gradovi na Bucket listi.

Romeo: I dreamt a dream tonight. 

Mercutio: And so did I. 

Romeo: Well, what was yours? 

Mercutio: That dreamers often lie. 

Romeo: In bed asleep while they do dream things true. 

Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare 

Is it true that dreamers are lying? Well ... maybe even they do. I'm a dreamer. I have always been, and I believe that I will stay and that this world will not shut me down. That my dream factory where I escape when everything becomes too hard will not shut down under daily pressure. Maybe we lie, but we lie to ourselves. I'm realistic enough to admit to myself that my dreams often carried me away for some time (which is fortunately or unfortunately, as you take, is a short time) when euphoria holds me and I believe that everything will be great and perfect. How suddenly there's gonna be a perfect job just for me. Where I will happily go every morning and with smile perform any task that is put in front of me. That my salary will be ideal for taking a loan for an apartment that I will call a home. And I'm gonna decorate it just the way I want and make my peaceful oasis. I dream of traveling. I love to travel. But my love for traveling in my fantasies gets infinite potency. And then another job rejection letter wakes me from dreaming. The perfect dream home remains my room in my parents home, and traveling stays a list of cities and places on my bucket list.

Možda lažemo, ali tako je divno lagati se pa makar i 5 minuta. 

Maybe we lie, but it's so great to lie yourself if only for 5 minutes.

Naravno, ima i onih kojima i najcrnija realnost nije dovoljna da ih probudi iz sanjarenja i snova. Oni postaju, ako se smijem tako izraziti, teret društvu koje mora uz sve svoje obaveze, probleme i slično preuzeti i njihove kako bi se ova kolotečina u kojoj jesmo nastavila vrtiti i postati barem malo "lakša".  

Of course, there are those which even the darkest reality is not enough to wake from daydreaming and dreams. They become, if I may so express myself, a burden to society that has with all its obligations, problems and etc. take their in order to make this "routine" in which we continue to exist at least a little "better".

Zato dragi moji sanjari sanjajte i uživajte u svojim snovima, ali ostanite realni i iskreni prema sebi jer najlakše je lagati samog sebe. No, teško je vratiti se u realnost nakon dugog vremena provedenog u snovima. Kao i sa svime u životu tako i sa sanjarenjima treba ostati umjeren.

So my dear dreamers dream and enjoy your dreams, but stay realistic and honest with yourself because it is easiest to lie to yourself. However, it is difficult to return to reality after a long time spent in dreams. As with everything in life and with the fantasies should remain moderate.

Svima onima koji su kao i ja i tu i tamo pobjegnu za vrijeme vožnje gradskim prijevozom na neki pusti otok gdje su plaže beskonačne, pijesak topao, a more kristalno čisto i plavo. Gdje između dvije palme stoji ležaljka i koktel po želji, a u pozadini se čuje neka lagana glazba posvećujem pjesmu "Dreamer" by Ozzy Osbourne. 

To all those who are like me and every now and then escape while driving on public transport to a desert island where the beaches are endless, sand warm and the sea is crystal clear and blue. Where between two palm trees stands chair and a cocktail of your choice, and in the background you can hear some soft music, I dedicate song "Dreamer" by Ozzy Osbourne.

XOXO