To You...

...whoever you are. I dreamed of you last night for the first time. I dreamed of our first meeting. The first time when our eyes met, and a huge smile was spread across your face. The same identical smile that were on my face. I don't know your name. I don't know who you are, where you live or what you do. I don't know what do you love and what you don't love. But somehow I know that one day when I meet you I'm going to fall in love with you with my whole heart and soul. And every crack that exist today and is possible to see on my heart would vanish and my heart would be whole again.

I hope that when it happens that I will know how to show you how much you mean to me and how much I love you. I can promise you right now even when I don't know you that I'll do everything that I possibly could to never hurt you the way that I was hurt. I can promise you that I'll never hurt you intentionally but if I hurt you in any way,  please know that it was accidentally and that I'm really sorry from the bottom of my heart.

My dream last night was a first good dream in a long time for me. And to know that I dreamed you was a icing on the cake for me. My alarm clock woke me up because I needed to go to work (oh, yeah, more about that in my next post on Saturday) and I was really sad that my dream and our first meeting was over. Some little part of me is hoping that tonight when I go to bed and fall a sleep I'll meet you again. I know that that is not how things are working but a girl can hope, right?

This post is not long, but I'm OK with that because the things that I need to say to you are for me to know now and for you to find out when I meet you one day.

I'm looking forward to meet you one day and to love you for who I am when I'm with you.

To you my mystery man... 

Rambling VOL. 2

NOTE: This post was written on Sep. 3rd, but unfortunately I didn't get to post it because of family emergency. Today I'm posting it because one special and very dear person told to live my life like there's no tomorrow and that I can't close myself off just because it hurts to watch someone I love is in hospital and prognosis are not good.

Hi...

Yesterday was my queen mother's 57th birthday (pls, don't tell her that I wrote the actual number or she's going to... I don't know, but I do know that it's not going to end well for me); so dear mom, happy belated birthday!!!!!! Love you to the moon and back and thank you for being the best mom a daughter can wish for.

So about the rambling part...

Well, yesterday (it's totally coincidental or not - who cares) I was talking to one of my friends, shock I know. =) We were talking about relationship and that stuff when she asked me: "Do you wanna be in a relationship? Would you ever want to get engaged and married again? And do you honestly think that you learned everything from past mistakes?". In that moment I actually didn't know what to say. How to answer those last two questions?

I thought about them and that whole conversation that I had with her when I got home. And I still didn't know what to say. So, I logged on my laptop and went to Pinterest because somehow browsing through all kinds of stuff I think the best. And even this time I was able to find my answers to all three questions.

Question #1. Do you want to be in a relationship?

• Yes, I do. I want to be in a healthy relationship with a person that will make me smile and feel appreciated. Someone with whom I could talk for hours and still have something to say. Someone who will hold my hand when I'm scared. Someone who will look past my defects ( and trust me I have them and I'm aware of them ) and love me for who I am not for who they want me to be. I want to be in a relationship but I am not desperate for one. When it happens it happens. I don't wanna push it or rush it. When the time would be right I'll know and then I will be in a relationship,

Question #2. Would you ever want to get engaged and married again?

• Yes. For a long time for me a marriage was just a piece of paper that to some people doesn't mean a thing and I didn't want to be a part of that masquerade. Today I believe that if you find that one person who completes you in every aspect. Who causes your heart to skip. The person who when you think about him, you smile without a cause. When he kisses you, you feel butterflies every single time. Who is your everything that you prayed for and more. A person that makes you cry only happy tears and is there for you in good and in bad. Even when your PMS comes in town and takes a residence he still loves you. Then and only then would I think about getting married again.

Question #3. And do you honestly think that you learned everything from past mistakes?

• I still don't know if I learned absolutely everything. But I did learn a whole lot of something. I learned to listen my instinct even when I try to fool myself that I'm imagining things. I learn to never change myself for anybody other then myself. To never let go of friends because he doesn't like them. To be yourself no matter what and be true to myself. To respect but also seek respect in return. To tell what's on my mind even when the time is just not right. And a lots of other things but I still feel that I have things to learn. 

I love reading books and right now I'm all in romance (don't judge). Couple months ago I finished reading "Finding my prince Charming" trilogy by J.S. Cooper and find these perfect quote by main female character in the books. I wrote it down in my journal that I wrote in every day for a year as my "new year" resolutions (you can read about that in my "New year in front of me" post). Anyway, I was bored one day so I found a picture and with little help from photoshop I combined picture with the quote and I'm going to share it with you ( Hope, you'll like it. ). It's nothing extra special but since I'm total anti talent for anything with photoshop I'm proud of it.

Also, she asked me did I finally let go of my anger. The answer to that is still NO. I don't know how to after all this time. In the beginnings I was to hurt to be angry and then I just shut myself down and any emotion that I had was pushed in a box deep deep down and I never got to the part where you are angry and pissed and want to kick someone (be real, not someone but you-know-who) so that he sing really high notes and hurt just a little like you.

So I'm asking you guys, can you give me some advice how to get rid of that anger and finally let it go and open myself for new beginnings.

That's all from me for today. Thank you for reading.

XOXO

Lots of love,

Me

TMI TAG 50 Questions

Hi,

so I decided to find a TAG questions to answer and stumbled upon these. I hope that by answering these questions you guys can get to know me a little bit better. 

So, lets start...

1. What are you wearing?

• black sleeveless see through shirt with white "LOVE" caption by H&M
• olive green shorts with pockets by Terranova
• black flip flops by Sweet Years

2. Ever been in love?

• Yes. Unconditionally with my whole heart. 

3. Ever had a terrible breakup?

• Oh, yes. It took me a while to get over it. Till these day I still feel little side effects of it.

4. How tall are you?

• I'm 173 centimeters or 5'7".

5. How much do you weigh?

• Hahahahaha. Funny, not. :) I weight 62,5 kilograms or 137 pounds.

6. Any tattoos?

• Not yet, but hopefully pretty soon. I have three in plan.

7. Any piercings?

• Besides my ears that I got pierced when I was two, no. 

8. OTP?

• Well, I love Jesse Kingston  and  Luciana Antonia Russo Kingston from Rockstar series by Anne Mercier. They're perfect imperfect couple if you ask me. Fell in love with them with the first page.

9. Favorite show?

• Wow, this could take me a while to answer since I watch so many shows. Lets see... NCIS, Bones, Last man standing, The Big Bang Theory, Criminal minds, Scandal, 2 Brooke girls, Rizzoli & Isles, etc. But my all time favorite is Mentalist and I'm sad that that show is over and I still love me some Patrick Jane ;)

10. Favorite band?

• Since I'm a music junkie it's a long list. But I'll try to put my top fave bands that I have on every playlist. Daughtry, Guns N' Roses, Lady Antebellum, Little Big Town, Maroon 5, The Script and Zac Brown Band.

11. Something you miss?

• My friend Ida. She died last year and I still can't believe that she's gone. Other than her, I miss my trust in people.

12. Favorite song?

• OMG, there's a endless list of songs that I can say are my favorite song. Most of the time it depends on my mood in that moment, but my all time, number one fave sons is "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N' Roses.

13. How old are you?

• I'm 26.

14. Zodiac sign?

• Taurus :)

15. Quality you look for in a partner?

• Humor, honesty and faithfulness are three must haves. If you can't make me laugh and you can't be honest all the time no matter what the issue is or you can't be faithful in relationship than we have nothing to talk about any more. 

16. Favorite quote?

• "The only easy day was yesterday." - motto by US Navy SEALs

and a very recent one that I love, love, love:

• "Sarcasm is my friend, I embrace her with love." - Lucy Russo, Falling Down by Anne Mercier

17. Favorite actor?

• Robert Downey Jr. 

18. Favorite color?

• All kinds of blue. Every shade that exist. Fave fave is navy blue.

19. Loud music or soft?

• Depends of my mood and what I'm doing. If I'm relaxed and in my zen mode than soft. If my on brink of blowing off than the louder the better.

20. Where do you go when you're sad?

• In my little corner in my room where I shut myself down inside me and listen music and try to work it out if I can without tears. Most of the time I let myself cry everything out and than I'm back in the game.

21. How long does it take you to shower?

• If I don't wash my hear or shave max 5 minutes. Otherwise it's 20 to 25 minutes.

22. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

• It can take me from 15 to 40 minutes. Depends on what I'm get ready for. 

23. Ever been in a physical fight?

• Nope :) 

24. Turn on?

• Physically: blue eyes, smile, a man who takes care of himself.
• Mentally: humor and man who knows what he wants and how to take it, a man who walks the walk and not just talks the talk, a man who's not afraid to show how he feels and a man who can show his girl how much he wants her.

25. Turn off?

• Lies, cockiness, too much of arrogance, etc.

26. The reason you started blogging?

• I wanted to blog for a very long time but never got to sit myself down and start. Then I broke up with my ex and I wanted a place where I could write and share everything  that I want to say about my thoughts, experiences or random stuff with people from all over the world. It took me a while to start but I'm happy that I did. I don't have a lot of followers or comments on my posts but I'm happy every time I post something new. 

27. Fears?

• Rats, snakes and spiders. My friend once told me that she's afraid of death. I was once, but than I got diagnosed for the first time with my ovarian tumor (which was, thank God, benign) and it got me started to think about life and death. When I was diagnosed for the second time with ovarian tumor that's when I realized that I'm not afraid of death any more. 

28. Last thing that made you cry?

• Song "Who You'd Be Today" by Kenny Chesney.

29. Last time you sad you loved someone?

• Last night to my mom.

30. Meaning behind your blog name?

• "Pure brain to mouth filter malfunction" is not so rear symptom that I have. Sometime it gets me in a whole lot of trouble but sometime it's a most precious gift that I have. 

31. Last book you read?

• "Interlude" by Anne Mercier (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24299613-interlude)

32. The book you're currently reading?

• I'm rereading "No place to run" by Maya Banks (a KGI series, https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7828781-no-place-to-run?from_search=true&search_version=service)

As you can see from these last two answers I'm a sucker for a romance and I'm proud of it.

33. Last show you watched?

• Rizzoli & Isles S06 E11 

34. Last person you talked to?

• My friend Marko. He just went back to London where he works in (I forgot the name) company.

35. The relationship between you and the person you last talked?

• A long one. I know him since I was 15. We met when I was on holiday that summer and he was my first kiss. We were close friends for three years and than things happened and we lost all contacts for the next seven years. Now we are friends again ;)

36. Favorite food?

• Everything with chocolate.

37. Place you want to visit?

• World. You should see my map that I have bookmarked on my laptop. Red dots all over the place. My dad was bus driver for a company that provide transportation all over my country, so from very young age I traveled with him every where that he went and that's how I got bite by the travel bug. 

38. Last place you were?

• I didn't travel anywhere for a while not because I didn't want to but because I couldn't afford to. And that is something that I'm working on to change. But the last place that I went to was my mom's hometown in Bosnia and Herzegovina. 

39. Do you have a crush?

• Yes! 

40. Last time you kissed someone?

• Today. Who? It's between me and him.

41. Last time you were insulted?

• A week ago. Not so much insulted as disgusted by someone who once meant so much to me and now is proving to be the lowest form of human being. 

42. Favorite flavor of sweet?

• If we're talking about candies than strawberry and coca-cola sour gummy stripes. 

43. What instruments do you play?

• I'm antitalent for any instruments. 

44. Favorite piece of jewelry?

• It was my engagement ring. Now it's a pair of  withe gold earrings that I bought for myself with my very first paycheck when I was nineteen and a withe gold cross that I got from my grandma. 

45. Last sport you played?

• Handball a while back.

46. Last song you sang?

• "Afterlife" by Avenged Sevenfold (ahhh, M. Shadows) 

47. Favorite chat up line?

• I don't have one per se. But I do have one with my girlfriends; "What's up, doll?"

48. Have you ever used it?

• The one for my GFs, almost every time I talk with them.

49. Last time you hung with anyone?

• With my friend from elementary school, on Wednesday. I have a pics to prove it :)

50. Who should answer these questions next?

• Everyone who wants to. 

When is this evil going to end?

Just found out that a man from my country who was kidnapped by ISIS was executed. His name was Tomislav Salopek. He was a son, brother, husband, friend and father. He was doing his job and providing for his family. I don't know him but I have belief that that man didn't do harm to anybody so why would someone killed him.

I'm not into politics or religion but I'm sick and tired of hearing about this group of - I can't call them people because they are anything but human being or even an animal - something. This ISIS is group of deranged, brain washed and everything that is bad in this world. And I really think it's time to put once and for all the end to them and to anyone who put treats to innocent people; be it man, woman or child.

It really is time to stop this evil so that we as humans could live in peace and security that we can go to work without being afraid that some sicko who thinks that he has a right to play God would kidnap you and execute you and that put that kind of pictures on internet so that victims family and friends could see his doing.

Everyone has a right to his or her opinion, right to believe in his or hers God or whatever they call him or her, right to speak his or hers mind, right to love whoever they want to and right to be free. If you harm someone in any way or do something that is against the law than you should be punished for it. But no one has a right to be a judge and jury and execute your will just because you think it's your right, because it's NOT.

Tomislav Salopek didn't do harm to them. He was going to work so he can provide for his family and this group decided to play they game and demand thinks that they don't have right to demand.

I ask myself today what is next. He was kidnapped in Egypt and I'm wondering is the rest of the world safe from them. Am I going to exit my building one day and get kidnapped by some deranged lunatic who thinks that I'm guilty just because I'm not muslim.

I'm sad today because of Tomislav Salopek and anyone else who was killed by this group of psychos. I'm sad because they are kidnapping and killing innocent people every day and right now I don't see an end to this evil that is living and breathing with the rest of us. Is there an end for them?

Today, I'm praying for Tomislav and his family and friends. I'm praying for families and friends of the eight innocent people who were killed by this group before Tomislav. I'm praying for families and friends of people this group kidnapped but still keeping alive in God knows what conditions.

Today, I'm asking you to pray for them and to keep them in your thoughts and to never forget them because they deserve to never be forgotten.

Rest in peace, Tomislav.

dream...

Last night I had a dream that I dreamed a few months ago. It was exactly the same dream. That never happened to me before. The first time I dreamed this dream I was so shocked and spooked that I had trouble to go to sleep because I was really scared that I would maybe dream it again or something even worse.

Usually I don't believe in dreams and it's a rare occasion when I even remember what I dreamed that night. After the breakup with my ex I had nightmares every single night for three months and occasionally for another three months. For the first three months I woke up screaming, in tears and what was worst for me; I would woke my family with my screams.

When even my occasional nightmares were over I was so happy and I couldn't believe that they were finally gone. But... I should have known that something would happen that would trigger everything all over again.

It was February, I was nightmare free for two months and than that dream happened and took me down again.

Let me tell you my dream...

"It was my B-day and my family and me plus my uncle and aunt were going to a restaurant for my B-day lunch. I was happy, really happy. So we got to the entrance to the restaurant and a guy in front (that restaurant doesn't have anybody who works in front of and scans people who enter and exit) stop us. He ask for ours IDs and after he returns them says that only I can enter and then rushes me in and a waiter leads me to my table. I'm confused and little bit angry because I had a reservations for a lunch with my family and they couldn't even come in. As we stop at my table there are five people (that are my family and a friend) who already sit there with smiles on their faces."

What's a big deal you would ask? Well, every one of them are deceased. My friend and aunt died last year, my cousin three and half years ago, my great aunt four years ago and my nanny who was like a grandmother to me twelve years ago. My aunt and nanny from a ovarian and uterus cancer, my cousin from breast cancer, my great aunt from some virus that she got in retirement home where she lived (that's official cause, but I have my reasons to suspect some foul play) and my friend... she took her own life. But, let me get back to my dream...

"I sat with them and look every single one of them in the eyes. I was so confused and I didn't understand what's going on. I was happy to see them because they were all gone but I didn't understand why were they here with me in these restaurant and why my living family couldn't be with me. The five of them talked with each other but not with me. They would smile in my way and continue to talk among themselves. When the waiter brought my birthday cake my cousin who sat right beside me looked at me with a smile and said: "Enjoy more while you can, because you will not much longer." And they all smiled at me, told me they loved me and not to be scared. And my friend who sat at my other side whispered in my ear: "It doesn't hurt, so don't be scared.""

In that moment I woke up with a jolt and realized that my whole PJ's were wet from the sweat and I was shaking so hard. That whole day I was out of my zone and element. I had a really tough time to concentrate on anything. Once or twice my mom asked me if I was on drugs or something. I told her about my dream and she told me not to worry because it was just a dream. That dream triggered a month worth of nightmares until I talked with my friend who told me that that dream doesn't have to be anything bad and that it probably is something positive. But for the life of me I couldn't understand what it is.

Were they talking about my fear of falling in love again and letting someone new in my life. Of trusting again. I really wanted to know. But my nightmares were gone after a month and after that I couldn't remember my dreams until this morning when I woke up again with a jolt and a memory of the same dream from February. But this time I'm not scared of confused. I'm OK with whatever that dream means if anything. I'm OK with whatever life throws at me.

Did you ever had that kind of dreams? The ones that stick to you and left you confused and scared?
If you did, what did you do? Could you let me know what that dream was and how did you deal with it?

Until the next post from me, lots of love from Zagreb where it's 34 (93- if you are on fahrenheit) degrees and sunny. Just like I like it.

XOXO

Anna

letter to a boy who search for his girl

Zagreb, July 5th, 2015

Hello boy who search for his girl,

you don't know me, we never met. I don't know you but I read your columns so I kinda know what you want to say. You probably won't even read this post/letter that I wrote to you but that's OK. I just wanted to say something to you that I think you should know. And if I'm jumping from one end to another that's just how my brain work in his mysterious way.

In your columns you described you perfect girl, you know 'The One' girl. And I don't want to sound cocky and presumptuous but sweet baby Jesus I'm all of that. But than you wrote about girl that you wrote your columns to, who if I got it right is your 'The One' but she lives far away and etc. That got me confused. Is that girl real? And if she is and she is that One that you search for, than why aren't you with her? Yeah, distance is a bitch and all that but if you love someone and you know that he or she is that one that you want for the rest of your life than distance is not the problem in the story. I would move heaven and earth to be with the one that I love and with who I want to grow old with. I would give anything to even find him. 

I would love to write about one time in my life that I thought that I have that. A time where I thought I was the luckiest girl in the whole universe because I had met Him and he loved me and he asked me after perfect six years to be his wife and have a family with him. But my fairy tale ended with tears, broken heart, destroyed plans and dreams. I didn't get my happy ever after. Another girl now calls him her husband. The same girl that was in relationship with another man while she got all lovey dovey with my fiance. But that's my story, my lessons to learn from and my history. And it's a seven years long story, so let's leave it at that. So if that girl that you wrote your columns to is your 'The One', go after her and don't let go. Fight for what you want if it's her that you want.

You wrote how the girl that you are looking for is hard to find. Sometimes it's like you think like she doesn't even exists. And sometimes I thought that you don't even know what you want. Or maybe you do know but you just don't know if you want her or stay single and enjoy the freedom.
In one of your first columns you wrote how girls don't want or don't see a guys like you. A guys that are honest, good, respectful, kind, who treats his girl right, etc. How we only see guys that are douchebags. But I have to tell you that we see them (the D ones) and we see you but you don't see the girls that see you and not them because you only see girls that see the other ones. If you get what I wanted to say. OK, what was that? How many see can you put in one sentence? Jeez, girl.

Since I know that this is going to be a long one, and I want to get my point clear I would like to tell you a story. Couple months ago I was in town and I ran into a friend from elementary school that I haven't seen since we went to a different high school. We sat on the terrace of one of the many coffee bars around square and began to talk about everything that happened in our lives since we last met. I told her my "adventures", and she admitted that there was a guy that we both knew who liked me but he told her that he can't put me into a certain category and that because of that he wouldn't asked me out on a date. Now let me tell you something about me.

I'm a girl that is single (and loving it) but is looking for her 'The One' guy. I'm a girl who knows what she want and what she doesn't want. I have my own opinions and when I don't agree with something you will know it and you can be sure of that. Just as you can be sure that the sky is blue and grass is green. I fight for what I know is worth fighting for and I don't back down until I realize it's a lost cause and my time is wasted. I love sports (basketball, hockey, football - THE football, not that European comedy but I can watch it if I have to - swimming, water polo, etc.) and I go to the games if I have someone to go with. I'm addicted to music. No, not that crap that everybody listens to in Croatia. I love action films, comedies, horrors, thrillers, dramas, rom-com, etc. you name it I'm game if it's a good move or TV show. I play video games; my fav is Spec. Ops: The Line. But I played NBA 2K13 and 14, Sims, Civ V, etc. 

I can talk for hours about nothing and everything. I'm summer addict and that is my time. Because my parents are from Dalmatia and Herzegovina I LOVE Mediterranean food and food in general. I love sweet and I'm proud chocolate addict. I'm brutally honest and my respect is not easy to earn. I don't trust. I can feel when people are lying to me. I'm a sarcastic and sometimes a cynic person. I have a high (sometimes too high) tolerance for stupidity. But when I'm done, I'm done. No going back, no second chances and no trust return. When I fall, I fall hard. I'm loyal and ready to go to the end of the world and back for the ones that I care for.  I'm stubborn as a bull (that's because I'm a double Taurus - you said that you have four people in your head, well I have two bulls so I win ;) ). I'm down to earth, see as it is type of a girl. And I'd rather be alone than with anyone just to not be alone.

Lets back to the point...

But somehow you and guys like you who say they are looking for a girls like me don't see me or a girls like me. You say that you want a girl like us but when a girl like me is in front of you, you don't see me. You see a girl who want a D-bag because she thinks that he is a Man. That somehow she would be the one who would change him. HA!!! We are in this constant... - I don't even know what to call it. - where we search for something that is right in front of our eyes but we don't see it. 

So if you are looking for a girl that you describe in your columns, she's there. How I know? Well, I'm one of them. If your description has a check boxes and you need to check every box for every girl, than in my case all boxes are checked. But somehow I think that you don't want a girl like me. I think... well, I'm keeping that to myself because I can. 

So dear boy, you need to get yourself together and decide what you want. Do you want to find that girl or you want to talk the talk how you do want to find her but you want to stay single and search the ocean for some more fish that you know is not her? Or did you already found her but she doesn't want you or whatnot? 

I still can't decide would I let you know about this letter or not. But in case that I do let you know, it was nice writing to you. Hope that you'll find her and get your happy ever after if that is what you want. But if it isn't than it would be, in my humble opinion, good to change a topic of your columns. In both cases, I'll continue to read your columns because you make me laugh, and you make me cry while I'm laughing and that is a lots of brownie points.  


P.S. I have a recommendation for a group that you might, hopefully, gonna like. Their name is 'The Civil War' (my two fave songs from them are 'Devil's backbone' and 'The One That Got Away'). 

XOXO

A

4th of July

Well this is gonna be short (extra short) but sweet...

To all readers in USA I want to say: "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!" or "HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!!"

Also, a huge 'Thank You!' to all men and women in the US Air Force, Army, Marine Corps and Navy who are far away from their homes and fighting for freedom and keeping us all safe. And I don't mean just people in America but every single human who lives on this planet and just want a peaceful and safe and secure future. As a non American I am grateful for them. I pray that they come back safely to their families and friends. And before I cry again (and I will if I keep going with this) I'm gonna say once more: "Thank You from the bottom of my heart. You and your families have my gratitude, respect and love. Thank you for what you are doing. For keeping every single one of us safe. For letting us sleep peacefully because we know that somewhere out there someone is keeping us safe."

XOXO,

love,

Me :)