New year in front of me =)

Yea, I know that the famous New Year's day was four months ago (and 18 days :P) but for me a new year begins with my B-day. Today I'm turning 26 and I'm feeling good about it. So today is my new years day.

I'm not making any new years resolutions bcs that is just stupid and useless. Why, you may ask. Well, as far as I know nobody follow thru with that BS. We all at some point take a pen and a piece of paper and put some goals, wishes and what not on that paper and stick with what was written for about a month or two. For those who stick with their list of resolutions and follow thru till the end I applaud. But for the rest of us who don't I have a piece of advice that I recently got .

'Make it simple and one day at a time.'

Who gave it to me will be my little secret because some things should stay private. Couple of years back I made a whole bunch of resolutions on New Year's Eve and decided that that year I'm gonna follow thru but I didn't and in the end end up disappointed with myself. So I changed the game and so far I'm happy with the new game. Every year since than on my B-day I make a couple of decisions (5-7 max) and follow thru them one day at a time and I don't put a pressure on myself . I'm happier and in the end (that's a day before my next birthday) I sit down and go thru everything that I did or didn't do and if I accomplished even one of my decisions I'm happy and proud of myself.

So this year I'm going to share three of my five decisions with you.

1. Write every day for a whole year in a diary - doesn't need to be a novel every day, just a quick hello or a quote that make my day...
2. Try to trust in people more 
3. Expand my safe zone, learn something new and let new people in

I even put some projects that I'm going to do in this new year. I'm ready to live again without fear of something new and I'm going to let new people in my life. I know that this last thing is going to be really tough on me because I was burned too many times in last two years but I'm letting past to stay just that - past -  and look forward into the future. I'm going to try to be a better person, better version of me and find my place in this big world. Last year I was a mess, empty and broken shell of a very happy girl and I thought that nothing is important any more. But boy was I wrong. Today, a year later, I'm a whole again. Happy and the most important, I'm me again.

So Happy Birthday to me and let the party begin. I'm going to stuff my face in my birthday cake (funny for a chocolate addict my B-day cake is a strawberry cake)

 and spend some time with my family, friends and definitely some me time.

Oh, and happy belated (by two days) B-day to my little M. I'm so happy that you ruined my 5th birthday. I'm so happy to have you for my little sister. Love you, sis.

P.S. Happy B-day to anyone who has birthday on May 19th.

P.P.S. I would be really happy if you guys could leave a comment if you like what I'm doing or if you have some suggestions or even just to say hello. And I really would like to know how you spend your B-day and what is your favorite B-day cake. 

If you want to contact me you can do that via my facebook or twitter page. 

Thank you for reading this.

Love ya,

Anna

XOXOXO

Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a modern celebration honoring one's own mother, as well as motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers in this world. I'm not a mother in true sense of the word but I have a beautiful baby that I love the most in the world. She's a bunny. Her name is Lina and she has my whole heart in her little paw. But this is not about me, it's about my mom.

On May 19th, 1989 at 05:30 am my beautiful mom got the most perfect bundle wrapped in pink, me. At that time she didn't know that she also got a stubborn, independent, mischief prone, sarcastic but also good, funny and cuddly daughter.

My mom was always in my life. She always listen to what I have to say. And she always wanted to know what is going on in my life. She still does. I know that she will always got her arms open for me to cry on her shoulder or she will listen when I need to rant about something or someone.

As a kid I was always sick. Because of my throat I was 80% of my childhood on some kind of antibiotics. Of us three I was the one who went the most to doctors and she always went with me without complaining (and I know a couple of friends whose mothers complained when there kids was sick).

When I was 16 and half I got very bad appendicitis and I ended up in ER at 04:30 pm but they admit me at 10:40 pm. That whole time my mom was with me and hold my hand. She tried to reassure me that everything will be OK and that I have nothing to worry about. She was with me until they decided that I need (before that they wanted to wait for the morning to see how things would go) emergency operation.

After that I had a three more surgeries and with everyone of them my mom was there for me. With my last surgery something went wrong and I ended in ICU for 24 hour observation. Most of that time I don't remember but a nurse told me what was going on around me. What I remember is hearing my mom's voice in the distance and then a hug that woke me (they told me that they were very concern because I didn't woke up like they expected).

In these almost 26 years that I'm my mothers daughter I learn so much from her. I never felt unwonted or not loved. I never felt neglected and I always knew that my mom would be there for me when I need her (sometimes even when I just wanted to be alone).

In these world there are women that desperately want to become mothers but for some reason they can't and there's also the ones that have kids but neglected them or harm them. I don't know how a mother can do anything harmful to their children.

I hope that one day I will be a mother but until then I have my baby to look after and took care of.

Happy Mother's Day, mom! I love you till the moon and back.

M-O-T-H-E-R
“M” is for the million things she gave me,
“O” means only that she’s growing old,
“T” is for the tears she shed to save me,
“H” is for her heart of purest gold;
“E” is for her eyes, with love-light shining,
“R” means right, and right she’ll always be,
Put them all together, they spell “MOTHER,”
A word that means the world to me.

Past lives (or just my rambling)

Do I believe in past lives and all that mumbo-jumbo? Sometimes the answer is YES and sometimes the answer is NO. The NO answer comes in times when I don't believe in anything. When it comes to religion I'm a 'funky plant' according to my friend. In high school during my Catechism classes (they are mandatory in elementary schools-8 years, and in high schools you can choose between Catechism and Ethics-4 years) I often got in trouble and got sent out of classroom because I couldn't keep my mouth shut and stay quiet. Our teacher often wanted to hear our opinions, beliefs and views on any subject. Well, my views, beliefs and opinions weren't what she wanted to hear in 70% of times. I'm Christian. I was raised in Christian faith and I received all the sacraments that a person should receive in this part of my life. I believe in God, Jesus and Holy Spirit but I don't believe in Church as institution. Why? Well a lot of things that I saw and heard led me to stop believe in Church.

But let me go back to my original subject...

Sometimes I have this feeling that I was a bad person or that I did something wrong in my past lives and that that is a reason why all these bad things happen to me in this life. I read somewhere where a girl explained to herself that all the bad things that are happening to her is because she was Eva Braun in her past life. Why Eva I don't know. But I do know that it got stuck with me for some reason.

A big part of me calms down only when I'm listening country music. Someone who once was very dear to me told me that I have a real american soul. I asked him why and he told me that I am the only girl that he knows that listens country music as much as I do. Who watch american football and is a big fan when in Croatia soccer is a national pride and joy but I can't stand it. That on my board above my bed there is american flag and not Croatian, and that list could go on and on.

my pride and joy :)

For some reason I don't feel the connection with a country that I was born and raised as much as I feel that pull and sense of home like I feel for USA. Don't get me wrong I love my country but I'm in love with States, a land I dream calling my home. Best example is while listening to national anthems of these two countries. While I listen Croatian I'm respectful. But when I hear 'The Star-Spangled Banner' I feel pride, peace, respect, butterflies in my belly, sense of belonging, a call home and I got goosebumps all over my skin.

I have a feeling that I was born in wrong country on wrong continent. And I hope that in my next life the person who is responsible for  soul distribution would do his or hers job right and send mine somewhere where I would be whole with a feeling of belonging and that I'm home.

And I also hope that in next life I wont get people in my life that makes me feel regretful that murdering is illegal. But on the shiny side because of them I'm finishing my PhD on University of Sarcasm.

Hope that my rambling made sense to you guys and that I'm not the only one who feels like this.

XOXO

Love ya all,

Me =)

The other woman...

I was never the other woman (or TOW) and I'm NEVER going to be. I know, I know... Never say never. But in this case NEVER is NEVER. I can understand that there is a situations where you don't know that a guy that you are seeing is in a relationship or married with someone else. What I'll never understand is when a woman knows that that guy IS in relationship with another woman or worse IS married and have wife and children and she still wants to be with him.

Like I said I was never TOW but I was in relationship that ended with TOW in equation. In my parents marriage there was countless TOWs and I couldn't understand why my mother tolerated my fathers affairs for so long before she ended it when I was almost 19. Her answer is that she stayed in that marriage for us (my sisters and me), but that she couldn't take it any longer and we were old enough to understand. For me that is not a reason to stay with someone who cheats and humiliates you over and over again.

How can that woman look herself in mirror and not be ashamed and guilty for what she is doing to that woman who don't knows that her boyfriend or husband cheats on her? How can she be OK knowing that she is destroying a family?

I know that it's not just her fault and that it takes two for tango (or something like that) but still. She knows what she's doing and she is OK with that.

My motto is: 'If you can't be faithful and loyal to the person that you are in relationship with or are married to than end that relationship or marriage no matter how hard it is and be with the one that you want to be with.' It's better to end something and start with someone new than to be a cheater. Well, it is for me. I could cheat and I knew that nobody would ever knew but I didn't because that is not me and I loved my fiance. But he had other planes and it's a whole another story.

I knew a girl who had no problem with being TOW but she had a problem when her boyfriend cheated on her. How can you be so hypocritical?

What do you guys think? If you cheated will you have a problem to be cheated? Were you TOW and why (if you don't mind me asking)?

P.S, Yesterday I found out that The Other Woman from my relationship with my ex fiancé married my ex and I'm ok with that. Birds of a feather flock together.

That's all from me on this topic =)

What I look for in a guy...

A guy who...

...tilt your chin up before he kiss you
...don't act differently around his friends
...tell you that he like you
...whisper in your ear
...smell good
...let you run into his arms when you're scared
...makes you laugh when you're crying
...plays video games with you

...smile at you for no reason
...take you by surprise
...kiss you in the rain

...tell you cheesy jokes
...bite his lip :)

...give you his coat when it's cold
...hold your hand without asking

...say sweet things between kisses
...give you kisses on the cheek
...will take a long walk with you
...is protective over you
...is your best friend

...grab you by your waist
...isn't ashamed to cry
...take pictures with you
...surprise-hug you
...can make you laugh without even trying
...hug you back tighter
...pull you back for another kiss
...is creative
...hold when you cry
...whisper to you during a hug
...say 'I Love You' and mean it
...bite your lip when you kiss

...change his shirt in front of you
...kiss your forehead

...tell you you're beautiful out of the blue
...pick you up when he hug you

...have tickle fights with you
...fall asleep on your shoulder
...smile after he kiss you
...have a six pack ;)

...is silly
...is taller then you
...isn't afraid to take silly pictures with you
...is good with kids
...don't blow off planes with you
...have good sense of style

...is honest and faithful
...takes you to or makes romantic dinner just for you two 

...now and then surprise you with a flower or chocolate

...plan a perfect date by himself
...makes you to fall in love in him over and over again

...treasure you and your love

...surprise you with a love letter

...makes you feel sexy even when you don't

...has a tattoo (or not)

and I think that every girl/woman need a boy/man just like this: 

Felt inspired by: http://www.polyvore.com/my_perfect_boy_what_look/collection?.embedder=3947013&.svc=pinterest&id=2252484 and a couple of my own...

Billy Currington - Must Be Doin' Something Right ;)

Growing back my backbone

It's been a year since my whole life as I knew it started to change and disappear. Probably it has passed even more time since I started to doubt and put every suspicion under the carpet and tell myself that I'm just imagining things. I believe that every person has that sixth sense and can feel when something isn't how it should be. My sixth sense was always correct. Sometimes to the point when even I asked: "WTF?!?! How?!?!", and been accused by friends for witchcraft ;). 

At the time I was engaged and in a relationship for six and half years. He was my first serious boyfriend. Hell, before him I didn't even want to hear words RELATIONSHIP, BOYFRIEND, LOVE, etc. in the same sentence with me. Status of a single girl felt really good to me and I was honestly happy person with bunch of friends and always a new adventure in my way. But then I met that boy of 21 yo (I can't call him man bcs he's still in his childhood mentality) while I was spending my summer vacation in my fathers house on Adriatic coast. 

It was summer before my senior year in high school and I've just turned 18 in May. I didn't want boyfriend in my life but I was all in for little summer 'romance'. But somehow my summer 'romance' ended with me in relationship with him. To cut long story short over the years I somehow changed myself for him to the point where in the end I despised the person I've become, lost contact with good majority of my friends (and that's on me not him) and started doubt myself. 

As a girl/woman I didn't understand women who changed who they are for a man in their lives. But than life slapped me and pointed that I did the same to myself. I changed who I am for someone who in the end didn't like or want the finished product and replaced me for someone new and 2 years younger. I was 24 (he 27) when he ended our relationship/engagement over message on Facebook, three months before our 7th anniversary. 


In the beginning he denied (and according to rumors, he still denies) that he had something with her. But the sings were there long before the breakup only I ignored them because I chose to believe in him and his honesty and faithfulness more then in myself. When that tiny voice in my head screamed that something is going on I told myself that I'm imagining things and that everything was OK because he would never cheat on me or lie to me. HA!!!!! Was I blind and dumb or what?!?!?!


When I first and last time saw him a month and half after 'THE BREAK' I asked him: "Why did you end us like that?",  he just shrugged his shoulders and told me: "I don't know. I still love only you and there is no one else." He couldn't look me in the eyes while he spoke but even if he did I still couldn't and wouldn't believe him and 2 weeks later I found out why. He post a pictures of him w/her wile they were on vacation on coast. 


The saddest thing is that I lost faith in myself along with faith in honesty and faithfulness. I went on the road to self-destruction, wished that I wouldn't woke up in the morning. After a while things started to look better but truth about reasons why he did what he did started to come along with a bunch of lies about me, who I am and what I did. That is when my backbone for people around me get new stronger coat and the one for me begin to pick broken peaces and started to put herself together. 

From the woman who knew what she wants I became someone who question every single thing a hundred times and more. But slowly I'm starting to be the woman that I want to be. I'm growing back my backbone and flipping the bird to anyone who doesn't like who I am and wants to change me. I'm starting to like and love myself again and I wowed to myself and to God that I'm not going to allow anybody to change who I really am.

Take me as I am, love who I am or hit a road. 

Kellie Pickler - Tough

Lažu li sanjari? / Does dreamers often lie?

Romeo: Sanjao sam noćas jedan san.
Mercuzio: I ja.
Romeo: Što si sanjao?
Mercuzio: Da sanjari lažu.
Romeo: Ali dok su sanjali, za njih je to bila istina...

Romeo i Julia, William Shakespeare 

Da li je istina da sanjari lažu? Pa... možda čak i da. Ja sam sanjar. Oduvijek sam bila, a vjerujem da ću i ostati te da me ovaj današnji svijet neće ugasiti. Da se moja tvornica snova gdje pobjegnem kad postane preteško neće ugasiti pod svakodnevnim pritiskom. Možda lažemo, ali lažemo sami sebe. Dovoljno sam realna da samoj sebi priznam kako me moji snovi znaju zanesti pa me neko vrijeme (a to je na sreću ili žalost, kako se uzme, kratko vrijeme) drži ona euforija kako će sve biti super. Kako će se odjednom stvoriti savršen posao baš za mene. Gdje ću s veseljem odlaziti svakog jutra i s osmjehom obavljati svaki zadatak stavljen pred mene. Plaća će biti idealna za uzimanje nekog kredita za stan s kojim ću si priuštiti svoj dom. Koji ću urediti baš onako kako ja želim i koji će biti moja oaza. Sanjam brojna putovanja. Obožavam putovati. No moja ljubav prema putovanjima u mojim sanjarenjima dobiva beskonačnu potenciju. A onda me iz sanjarenja probudi još jedna odbijenica za posao. Savršen dom iz snova ostaje moja soba u stanu mojih roditelja, a putovanja ostaju gradovi na Bucket listi.

Romeo: I dreamt a dream tonight. 

Mercutio: And so did I. 

Romeo: Well, what was yours? 

Mercutio: That dreamers often lie. 

Romeo: In bed asleep while they do dream things true. 

Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare 

Is it true that dreamers are lying? Well ... maybe even they do. I'm a dreamer. I have always been, and I believe that I will stay and that this world will not shut me down. That my dream factory where I escape when everything becomes too hard will not shut down under daily pressure. Maybe we lie, but we lie to ourselves. I'm realistic enough to admit to myself that my dreams often carried me away for some time (which is fortunately or unfortunately, as you take, is a short time) when euphoria holds me and I believe that everything will be great and perfect. How suddenly there's gonna be a perfect job just for me. Where I will happily go every morning and with smile perform any task that is put in front of me. That my salary will be ideal for taking a loan for an apartment that I will call a home. And I'm gonna decorate it just the way I want and make my peaceful oasis. I dream of traveling. I love to travel. But my love for traveling in my fantasies gets infinite potency. And then another job rejection letter wakes me from dreaming. The perfect dream home remains my room in my parents home, and traveling stays a list of cities and places on my bucket list.

Možda lažemo, ali tako je divno lagati se pa makar i 5 minuta. 

Maybe we lie, but it's so great to lie yourself if only for 5 minutes.

Naravno, ima i onih kojima i najcrnija realnost nije dovoljna da ih probudi iz sanjarenja i snova. Oni postaju, ako se smijem tako izraziti, teret društvu koje mora uz sve svoje obaveze, probleme i slično preuzeti i njihove kako bi se ova kolotečina u kojoj jesmo nastavila vrtiti i postati barem malo "lakša".  

Of course, there are those which even the darkest reality is not enough to wake from daydreaming and dreams. They become, if I may so express myself, a burden to society that has with all its obligations, problems and etc. take their in order to make this "routine" in which we continue to exist at least a little "better".

Zato dragi moji sanjari sanjajte i uživajte u svojim snovima, ali ostanite realni i iskreni prema sebi jer najlakše je lagati samog sebe. No, teško je vratiti se u realnost nakon dugog vremena provedenog u snovima. Kao i sa svime u životu tako i sa sanjarenjima treba ostati umjeren.

So my dear dreamers dream and enjoy your dreams, but stay realistic and honest with yourself because it is easiest to lie to yourself. However, it is difficult to return to reality after a long time spent in dreams. As with everything in life and with the fantasies should remain moderate.

Svima onima koji su kao i ja i tu i tamo pobjegnu za vrijeme vožnje gradskim prijevozom na neki pusti otok gdje su plaže beskonačne, pijesak topao, a more kristalno čisto i plavo. Gdje između dvije palme stoji ležaljka i koktel po želji, a u pozadini se čuje neka lagana glazba posvećujem pjesmu "Dreamer" by Ozzy Osbourne. 

To all those who are like me and every now and then escape while driving on public transport to a desert island where the beaches are endless, sand warm and the sea is crystal clear and blue. Where between two palm trees stands chair and a cocktail of your choice, and in the background you can hear some soft music, I dedicate song "Dreamer" by Ozzy Osbourne.

XOXO